A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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