My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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