I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
