I'm pants shitting drunk right now
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
