I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
