I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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