I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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