jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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