vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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