Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
