I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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