I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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