Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
