If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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