there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
