you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
