Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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