last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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