fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
