My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
