My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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