So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
