Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
