I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
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There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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