so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
