I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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