Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
