hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
