he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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