the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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