I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
They have beer where we have blood.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
