what if every blade of grass was a penis?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
