Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
