The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
