just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
