I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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