i dont even know how to be here
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
