Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
