Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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