So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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