i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There's always time for handjobs
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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