Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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