the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
