Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
