Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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