ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
