My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
