I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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