life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
