Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
