You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
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is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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