She is in my trunk
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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