He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
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What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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